Imposter Syndrome

Inspired by: Fred Jones, Part 2″ (2001) from the Ben Folds album Rockin’ the Suburbs

I’ve never been fired from a job. Not directly, anyway. I’ve left many, or had other “temporary” ones end. Sometimes, I got out ahead of likely being fired by quitting, but that was probably only one time.

I feel like, after years of searching, I’ve found a job that I can comfortably see myself doing for the next 16 years and 11 months… but who’s counting? But that doesn’t mean that I don’t often feel bouts of imposter syndrome, that, despite being told to the contrary, I am not very good at my job.

I’ve felt that at various points of my working life that I was going to do great things at that particular place. I had visions of grandeur when I worked at Blockbuster, and, well… they kind of prevented that from happening themselves. When I started working for the Army, I thought my career would take me places, but instead I failed to do things that would’ve allowed me to be successful. I thought I would be a great financial writer that would lead to all sorts of great opportunities within finance, but then realized I didn’t really want that.

Even my job with the Air Force, even given its auspicious beginnings, I thought that I would eventually be the place where I could finally make a career. But that was not to be, and it was definitely for the best. Because now I’ve found something that meaningful, despite my occasional personal doubts.

I hope to never be in Fred Jones’ position, unceremoniously let go after years of service. If anything, that underlying fear motivates me to keep trying to do the best that I can. If I do that, maybe I can reach that ever elusive pinnacle of my career, whatever it ends up being. And in the meantime, I get to continue to help credit unions large and small serve their members in the best way possible.

For the first time in a while, probably since I was working (briefly) at the Bureau of Land Management, I feel real meaning in the work I do, even if at times it seems that I am just waiting around for documents or emails. And that’s fine by me. I could likely be out there doing something that paid me more, or let me better use my fancy degrees that I’m still paying for, but it’s also a career that provides flexibility in a lot of areas of my life. For now, that’s enough, and it feels like it might be for quite some time.

Haven’t got that job anderlust (yet), and I hope that I don’t so I can see where this can take me. And then maybe I’ll get a fancy retirement party circe December 2037 instead of a box to clear out my things.

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