It can be weird sometimes when you can’t sleep. All the places your mind goes when it should be shutting down and focusing on rest for once. The thoughts come into your brain, and sometimes they coalesce into something substantial, but more often than not, they remain half-formed, mocking you in your awakeness…at least for me.
Sometimes, it can be okay not to sleep. Like tonight, when I have nothing to do tomorrow. Why not spend half the day in bed and not wake up to an alarm. Sure, there are things I could, and probably should, do in the morning/early afternoon, but meh. What are weekends for if not being lazy?
Someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, I’ll have reason to get up “early” on the weekend. Someday, things will be different and I’ll be in a better place in my life. Someday, someone will give me a reason to be happy for a day of little to no work, filling those empty days with something rather than nothing. Someday will come, otherwise what’s the point, right?
In a little less than a month from now, the latest “next phase” of my life begins. Someone asked me recently if I was nervous about heading back to school. Honestly, I’m not sure. If anything, I am scared to be going someplace new, somewhere that I don’t know anybody, to an environment where I could possibly be the oldest person. It’s slightly intimidating.
“Kids” 10 years younger than me with a better idea of what they want to do with their lives than me of a decade ago. Back then, I still had aspirations of law school, maybe OCS and a career in the Army, but we know what came of those dreams. Those goals. Nothing.
Am I wasting my time, a year that I could spend becoming a better writer? A better brother? A better friend? Or am I continuing to delay starting my life again, feeling satisfied for a year or two until some other new shiny thing comes along?
I keep telling myself that it is for the best, that new opportunities and people and knowledge should be enough to assuage the doubts, but I am still unsure about my decision. Unsure if it will mean something, force me to become a different person, a person that can stick something through to the end. Or will I just keep spinning my wheels, unhappy and alone for another five years.
I wish I had stronger convictions. I wish I could take the numerous pieces of advice gleaned over the years to overcome my shortcomings, to become the person that I think I can be. A person that “she” will want. But sometimes I think I’m just fooling myself. That I’m destined to be in this rut forever, that there is some karmic reason that I have ended up where I am right now.
There isn’t a simple solution; I know that as well as anyone. A lot of the things are the way they are because of decisions I made, either consciously or not. A person has nobody to blame but themselves when it comes to how life turns out. If I was a religious person, I would probably just thank my god for giving me challenges, ask for strength to overcome, and seek guidance on what to do. But I’m not, so I don’t, and it’s all up to me.
So I write these little blogs that a handful of people read as an attempt to clear my mind of those things that keep me awake at night. Some may call me pathetic for doing so, for living in the past and not moving on with my life. But it is my life, and I am trying to move on and put it all behind me. It’s just taking a lot longer than I expected is all.
Until next time…