The un-Mormonization of the Prodigal Son

Kind of an interesting story…

It all started when the local ward folks started randomly showing up at the apartment and trying to get in touch with me. One even sent me a Book of Mormon with a picture of his Mormon-looking family and his testimony. Creepy! But as per usual, I ignored them. That is, until I received a letter from the bishop of the local “ward” here. It said all the typical Mormon b.s, i.e. “we miss you at church” and “Jesus loves you” etc.

So me, in my pissy mood that I can sometimes get into, fired back a letter, accusing, among other things, that the church doesn’t care about its members and that it forced my father to hide his smoking from the children that loved him because he was shamed by folks in the church. I asked them to take my name of the rolls and I never wanted to hear from them again. I mailed the letter, and about a week or so later, I received another letter from said bishop, and I was about ready to go bust some skulls at the Ellington ward house.

It said that not all Mormons are bad (which is ultimately true) and that they were always there to help me deal with my father’s smoking and that I am always welcome back at my own pace, but if I still wanted to be removed from the rolls, that no response was necessary. Instead of not doing anything, and on the advice of my lovely fiancee, I decided to actually consider what I was doing. So I sent the bishop another letter, stating that while I did not want my name removed at that time, I would not be coming back to church and that if I ever did, it would be on my terms. And I thought that was the end of it. Pretty much a “cease and desist” request on the whole random letter/visit thing. Or so I thought…

Fast forward to about 4 months ago. Sitting around, minding my own business, and poof, another letter. Same old bullshit, but by this time I had had enough. This letter said someone from the church would be contacting me and that the bishop AND the Stake President wanted to have a sit-down meeting. I decided to humor them, let them spout of the same bullshit about Jesus loving me and that my family won’t be together forever anymore because I was not living the way that their “god” suggested that I should.

So I told them that I had no need for organized religion in my life, of any kind, and especially one like the Mormon church. They said that they were sorry to hear it, but if it was what I wished, “Jesus will still love me.” The only Jesus I know “steals hubcaps from cars” (go Jimmy Pop Ali) (Bloodhound Gang for those retards out there) and that I would receive another letter stating the same deal as one previous: “If you wish to leave the Church at this time, do nothing and you will be removed the rolls.” When I received said letter, I opened it, threw it away, and thought to myself, “It is finally over.”

Fast forward to about 4 days ago when I got what I hope will be the final correspondence from the Mormon cult, and I quote:
“Dear Brother Eberhard,

This letter is to notify you that, in accordance with your request, you are no longer a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Should you desire to become a member of the Church in the future, the local bishop or branch president in your area will be happy to help you.
Sincerely,
Gregory W. Dodge
Supervisor, Member and Statistical Records”

So, yay! I am no longer a member. I guess it’s as easy as contacting the local bishop dude and asking them to remove your name from the rolls. Or, better yet, write a letter to “Brother Dodge” at:
Member and Statistical Records Department
50 East North Temple Street, Room 1372
Salt Lake City, UT 84150-5310

Tell all your friends who may have at one time been baptized to do this. Maybe we can make their numbers even dip for a little while, maybe even send a copy to the Salt Lake Tribune about this inane process. If you tell a telemarketer to take you of the list, they do almost immediately, give or take a few days. It took me over SIX MONTHS to not be a Mormon anymore. Frankly, there is something wrong with that.

Hope this has all been very informative. If you would like to see the letter I initially wrote them, I may have a copy, and I’ll let those interested parties look at it. Until then, Peace.

B